


Puzzle Pieces

by moeblobmegane



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:34:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21788341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moeblobmegane/pseuds/moeblobmegane
Summary: Fluorescent lights and a white ceiling greets him when he first opens his eyes. His whole body feels off. It feels as if all the muscles in his body are aching. He doesn’t remember why.Actually, he doesn’t remember… anything.“Yama-chan?”A beautiful tall man stands up and clasps his hand, eyes wide with relief. Warmth fills his chest and he thinks, ‘ah, this guy’s important’.Yamada Ryosuke gets temporary amnesia and has to reevaluate his choices.
Relationships: Nakajima Yuto/Yamada Ryosuke
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Puzzle Pieces

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dusk037](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dusk037/gifts).



> Happy Holidays!! I hope you like this!!

Fluorescent lights and a white ceiling greets him when he first opens his eyes. His whole body feels off. It feels as if all the muscles in his body are aching. He doesn’t remember why.

Actually, he doesn’t remember… _anything_.

“Yama-chan?”

A beautiful tall man stands up and clasps his hand, eyes wide with relief. Warmth fills his chest and he thinks, ‘ _ah, this guy’s important’_. He doesn’t remember anything, but he thinks he knows what this feeling is. He holds the other man’s hand tighter and smiles weakly up at him.

The man smiles back and reaches for a button with his other hand.

“You worried us,” the man says, soft and teasing and so full of affection. “You’re never allowed to drive again.”

“You can drive me around,” he says because it feels natural to reply so. He thinks he would want to sit on the passenger seat and watch this man drive all the time. He wants to spend hours sitting side by side, listening to music and talking about their days.

They stare at each other for what feels like hours until the door opens and nurses descend upon him on all sides. His bed rises until he’s half-sitting up. The tall man has to let go as he is asked to leave the room. He already misses the warmth of the man’s hand.

A doctor shines a light on his eyes and asks him questions he can’t answer.

He thinks he hears a nurse gasp in shock, but a headache hits him hard and he has to close his eyes and shudder through it.

By the time they finish checking him up, his eyes are already closing.

He sleeps before the tall man comes back.

His name is Ryosuke Yamada. He is 26 years old. He works for Johnny’s Entertainment and is part of a group called Hey! Say! JUMP. He acts in dramas, sings and dances different songs with his group, and hosts various shows. He is famous enough that the hospital is not allowed to tell anyone he is staying there.

He learns all of this when he opens the television and sees a news report on his car accident.

The tall man is called Yuto Nakajima, his bandmate. He has not come back since the doctor checked on Ryosuke.

Instead, Ryosuke meets his sisters and their family.

“It’s temporary,” his older sister assures him, strong and confident. He thinks perhaps he relies on her a lot. He can see it in the way she moves around him and he can feel it in the security that envelops him as soon as she sits by him. “You’ll remember everything soon.”

“How soon?” he asks.

His little sister rolls her eyes. “Soon is soon,” she says. “Just rest up, will you? A break is exactly what you need, anyway.”

He goes home after two days in the hospital. Yuri Chinen, another bandmate of his, drives him home and helps him re-settle into his apartment. They don’t speak much in the car and Yuri barely speaks in the apartment other than to tell him where things are. It doesn’t feel uncomfortable, though. Silence sits easily between them. Yuri is a comfortable presence. Ryosuke thinks this must be how they were even before the accident.

“Do you live near here?” Ryosuke asks.

Yuri nods. “In the same building. I’m a few doors down.” He pauses as if unsure, and then continues, “Yuto-kun’s one floor down.”

“Why didn’t he come?” It feels weird that he isn’t here when Ryosuke needs him.

“He has a photoshoot,” Yuri says. “And, well, your accident really shook him up. Especially since you don’t remember anything…” The last part is quiet enough that Ryosuke almost doesn’t hear.

He does, though. It makes him think of Yuto’s hand on his right after he woke up, of Yuto’s warm gaze when they stared at each other. He wonders how painful it must have been to realize Ryosuke doesn’t remember him.

The amnesia is mild, and Ryosuke starts remembering things just a few days in. He remembers old memories first, with his parents and his siblings and his elementary school soccer team. He remembers how much he likes strawberries and One Piece. He remembers what he felt the first time he was on stage. The memories trickle in slowly but surely.

Yuri comes by for lunch and dinner, reminding him to eat and giving him DVDs and magazines to jog his memory. Their other bandmates visit as well. Yabu-kun still has the smile his younger self had. Hikaru-kun is milder, but still fun to be around with. Ryosuke doesn’t remember the past few years but he is slowly remembering how much he loves his group.

He regains memories like he is reliving them piece by piece.

“Why doesn’t Yuto ever visit me?” Ryosuke asks.

“He’s busy,” Yuri says. Ryosuke can hear the lie in his voice.

“Is it painful, seeing me like this?” He doesn’t know why he’s asking this, but he knows he needs an answer.

Yuri is quiet for a long time. When he speaks, he doesn’t look at Ryosuke. “You’ll remember why. Just give it time.”

He wakes up five days after the accident from a dream he thinks is a memory. He remembers walking home with Yuto and talking to him about the future. He remembers wanting to hold Yuto’s hand. He remembers loving every second he spent with Yuto.

Unable to go back to sleep, he goes to his living room and drags out the DVDs Yuri gave him. He chooses all the behind-the-scenes ones because those are what he needs to understand what is happening. What happened.

For the next hours, he sits there watching these two teenagers flirt around each other.

It’s almost embarrassing how obvious it is.

Ryosuke ends up searching the internet for confirmation. Yuri does not want to tell him, and the others seem to not know anything. The videos show _something_ though. Ryosuke can recognize the longing in his eyes whenever his past self looks at Yuto. He can recognize the softness of Yuto’s gaze when he speaks to Ryosuke.

There is _something_. Something real. Behind all the fanservice and the jokes, they are hiding something only the two of them know.

The internet is filled with over-the-top ideas, but there are anecdotes too.

In one concert, Yuto jokingly says he decides on who can hug Ryosuke because he is Yuto’s husband. It’s a running gag for the members to call Yuto on his jealousy. They touch each other constantly. There is tension whenever they dance close to each other, and though it’s part of the choreography, it’s different from when Ryosuke does it with the other members.

There is a recording of a prank on YouTube that hits him harder than anything he’s seen.

Yuto says he is quitting their group, and Ryosuke very nearly cries from how distraught he feels about it. _“If this is what will make you happy,”_ his past self says, “ _Then I’ll support you_.”

It’s embarrassing how in love his past self looks right there on national tv.

“ _Oh,_ ” he gasps at 2 am after trawling through the internet for six hours straight. “We’re _dating_. That’s why he’s sad!”

After a week, he still hasn’t gotten all his memories. It’s close, though. He knows he’ll get them soon. Random things continue to trigger them into coming back. His doctors are confident that he’ll be fine.

The problem is how the fans are getting worried. Ryosuke needs to say something before they panic completely.

That’s why after one week of rest, he is brought to an unfamiliar conference room and asked to answer questions from the press. His whole group sits beside him in support, with Yuri at his right and Yuto at his left.

“I’m sorry for worrying you all,” he says. “I need a few more days of rest as per my doctor’s instruction, but it’s only to make sure I’m 100% ready to come back to work. It would be unfair if I can’t give my all during my performances or during filming. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”

He answers a few questions and the other members answer some as well.

“We want him to be completely healthy before he resumes work,” Yuto says. “It’s our job as his groupmates to support him during this time.” He smiles charmingly at the cameras and adds, “Besides, Yama-chan is a workaholic so I’m glad he gets to rest when he needs to.”

It feels natural to swat him on the arm and say, “I’m not a workaholic.”

They all laugh and the press conference ends.

As soon as they are back in the green room, Yuto walks away.

That night, he dreams of Yuto holding his hand and saying “ _I’m in love with you_ ”.

He wakes up with eyes full of tears and a heart heavy with longing.

Later, after another late night trying to jog his memory, he wakes up to Yuri’s incessant doorbell-ringing. When he opens the door, eyes bleary from sleep and hair still a mess, Yuri grimaces at him and tells him to take care of his body. Sleep is important for an idol, after all. He needs to be ready to come back to work and make up for all the days he has missed.

Yuri fusses over him and gives him lunch, eyeing the mess in the living room with disapproval.

“What did you do?” He asks with a raised eyebrow. He looks like he can read Ryosuke’s mind.

“Watched the DVDs, looked through things,” Ryosuke says dismissively. “I was hoping to jog my memory.”

“Uh-huh,” Yuri says, not buying into his casual answer. “And what did you remember?”

 _Yuto loves me_ , he thinks. _And I love him with my entire heart_.

“You hated crossdressing so much you wanted to murder someone,” Ryosuke says instead.

“That’s old news.”

“You’re into crossdressing now?” Ryosuke asks.

“No,” Yuri says, rolling his eyes in exasperation. “But it’s been a while since I complained about anything like that.”

They eat lunch quietly for a while, Yuri watching curiously and Ryosuke trying very hard not to spill anything. It takes him half an hour before he gives up.

"Would Yuto eat dinner here if I asked? I feel like I'll remember something if he eats here." It's not entirely the truth, but it works as a perfect excuse. Ryosuke wants to see Yuto.

"He used to eat dinner with you sometimes," Yuri agrees. "You could ask him. Do you want me here?" It's a loaded question. Yuri definitely knows about their relationship.

"I'd like to be alone with him," Ryosuke says.

Yuri nods. "Okay," he says. "Call me if you need me."

Ryosuke is too scared to call so he texts Yuto instead.

' _hey. I'll order pizza and watch a movie. Wanna join?_ '

He receives an ' _i'll be right there_ ' a few minutes later.

Eating with Yuto is nothing like eating with Yuri. The tension is thick in the air and the silence feels oppressing rather than comfortable. They are both too awkward to open a topic. Yuto refuses to look him in the eyes.

"Do you know what my recent favorite movie is? That might help me remember something."

Yuto goes to his DVD collection instead of answering, sorting through the titles with ease. Despite the awkwardness between them, it’s obvious that Yuto knows his way around Ryosuke’s apartment. He knows where the paper plates are, and knows that Ryosuke would rather use those because pizza makes him lazy enough not to wash the dishes.

The sound of a familiar movie theme song wakes him up from his stupor. He sits on the far side of the couch and watches as Yuto slots himself at the other end. His whole posture is still filled with tension.

“Is this really my favorite movie?” Ryosuke asks, squinting at the animated movie playing on the screen.

“As far as I know,” Yuto says stiffly.

Ryosuke lets that go and focuses on the movie, getting snippets of memories back as watches.

Halfway through, he says, “You cried when we first watched this, didn’t you?”

Yuto’s stiffness goes away as offense overtakes his expression. He opens his mouth as if to argue and then rolls his eyes when he sees Ryosuke’s shit-eating grin.

“You’re making shit up now,” Yuto says, shaking his head. “You’re the one who cried.”

“No, no, I’m sure you were crying like a baby,” Ryosuke goads.

“At least I wasn’t sobbing so hard I ruined someone else’s shirt,” Yuto grumbles.

“I don’t think that was my fault,” Ryosuke says with a grin. He looks back at the screen and relaxes into the couch. This is how it should be: the two of them side by side, teasing each other while they watch.

Yuto doesn’t reply but he does bring his legs up on the couch until his feet are pressed on Ryosuke’s side. It’s almost reflexive to gather those to his lap instead so that Yuto can stretch properly and rest his head on the other end. They don’t talk about it.

Ryosuke thinks they don’t have to.

The rest of the night goes well after that. They continue teasing each other and commenting on the movie with casual touches that make Ryosuke’s skin tingle.

The rest of the night goes well.

Until—

When the movie finishes and they’ve eaten their fill, Yuto stands up and says he is going back to his place. The stiffness and awkwardness come back little by little.

Ryosuke hates it. He hates it so much that he instinctively stands up in front of Yuto and reaches out to put a hand on his cheek. For one glorious second, Yuto relaxes into the touch. It feels _right_ to be this close.

But then, Yuto stiffens again and stares at him with wide eyes. He steps back as if scared.

“Why didn’t you tell me we were dating?” he asks.

Yuto’s eyes grow even wider. “What?”

“Why didn’t you tell me we were dating?” he repeats. “It’s obvious why we’re hiding it from everyone, but… You can’t hide it from me. I can see it.”

“We’re _not_ dating!” Yuto exclaims. His voice sounds pained like the admission grates at him. “You’re straight!”

Ryosuke’s hand falls to his side as he stares at Yuto in shock. What kind of stupid lie is that?

“You just—I don’t know! Maybe you forgot you were straight!”

“Forgot I was… Are you kidding me? I’m _not_ straight!” He’s shouting for the first time since the accident but he feels it’s warranted right now. “I don’t remember everything but I know what I feel, okay? You can’t just decide I’m straight just because we’re apparently not dating! If you’re not attracted to me, then that’s _your_ fault! _You’re_ straight!”

Silence reigns as Yuto stands there with his perfect face screwed up in confusion and surprise. It quickly morphs into anger and frustration when he steps forward. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. It looks like he wants to scream but cannot find the words.

“What?” Ryosuke knows he sounds defensive. He _feels_ defensive. He already doesn’t understand so much of himself. He doesn’t need anyone invalidating what he truly feels. These thoughts and feelings are his and his alone.

“You told me you were straight,” Yuto says. Instead of shouting, he whispers it in the space between them. A fragile secret. “When I confessed to you before the accident. You said—” He takes a deep breath. When he exhales, it sounds shaky like he's trying to keep himself from falling apart. “You said you will never see me that way because you’re straight.”

 _I was lying,_ he thinks with a bone-deep certainty. In the hospital, when he saw Yuto, all he felt was safety and relief. When he and Yuto sat beside each other on the couch, the overwhelming need to touch him was _real_. The love he feels for Yuto, the desire he feels, they’re not new. They feel like an old worn coat, comfortable and always there.

But.

But if he lied, then there must be something else. There must be a reason. Ryosuke knows he values their friendship and their careers. Maybe there’s something he’s forgotten that would change his mind about saying the truth. It doesn’t change his _heart_ but it does change his priorities.

He shouldn’t say anything.

He shouldn’t.

Ryosuke resolves to take back everything and agree with Yuto. Until he looks up and sees the other man’s face.

The pain is still there, clear as day. And yet lingering under the surface is _hope_. He looks ready to be hurt again but a part of him still hopes for something else.

And Ryosuke cannot bear to do anything to extinguish that light.

So instead of saying sorry and letting it go, instead of agreeing that he’s just confused with the amnesia, Ryosuke steps forward and takes Yuto’s hand in both of his. He looks him right in the eyes and says, with a soft sincere voice, “I’m not sure why I said that and I’m not sure what will happen when I regain my memories, but please know that this heart is in love with you. I forgot everything else, but my heart never forgot what it wants.”

“Why would you say that?” Fear is laced in Yuto’s words. He is so scared of hoping for this but he can’t help it either. He wants so badly to be loved back.

Ryosuke loves him with every fiber of his being. He doesn’t understand why he lied to such an important person.

“I need you to remember it,” he says. “I need you to understand that even if everything else is blurry, what I feel for you is very clear to me. Maybe I had a reason to lie, or maybe I was in denial, I’m not sure.” He places Yuto’s hand on his chest right above his beating heart. “But this speeds up when I think of you and how much you mean to me. That’s not a lie.”

Yuto closes his eyes and hangs his head forward, shaking with emotion.

“You’ll break my heart again,” Yuto says with certainty.

Ryosuke can’t bring himself to deny it. He doesn’t know what will happen. He’s scared to find out.

“I’m sorry,” Ryosuke says.

“Thank you,” Yuto replies. He lets go of Ryosuke’s hand, steps back, and walks away without looking back.

Two days later, everything comes back.

The weight of his responsibilities crashes back on his shoulders. With bits and pieces, he knew that he loved the entertainment business, that this was the life he chose for himself.

But he didn’t realize the enormity of his passion. He didn’t realize how much he would give to stay as a top star, to be the center his group needs.

He didn't remember deciding to lock all his love in a box in order to focus on something he could reach.

“You remember everything now?” Chinen asks, soft and gentle and kind.

“Yeah,” he says, looking down. “Sorry for the trouble.”

Chinen steps forward and hugs him. He doesn’t need words to comfort Ryosuke. Like always, his presence is enough.

He calls Yuto as soon as Chinen goes back to his apartment. He’ll see all the members tomorrow for his first day back at work, so he knows he should do this now before his schedule becomes packed full again.

“I remember everything now,” he says instead of a greeting. It’s easier to say this on the phone where he could not see the pain on Yuto’s face.

“Oh.” His tone is carefully blank.

“I’m sorry for lying,” Ryosuke says.

“Which one was the lie?” Still blank. Yuto’s always been a good actor.

Ryosuke breathes in through the different emotions that threaten to overwhelm him. The past week has been a reminder of how strong his feelings are for Yuto, of how much he _wants_. Without his determination to stay on top, without the reminder that he needed to keep his emotions at bay, it went wild and wrecked his carefully filed away desires.

It was so easy to let go and embrace that love he always felt deep inside him.

He remembers even now, the absolute certainty that Yuto is someone important.

“I’m sorry I lied when you confessed to me,” he says. “That wasn’t fair.”

“Why did you?” Some of the pain spills out from Yuto’s level voice. He clears his throat. “You could have just told me why you couldn’t be with me. I would have understood.”

He would have. He would have been understanding and perfectly nice about it. If Ryosuke said, “I’m in love with you too, but our careers are too important to risk”, Yuto would have agreed with him. It would have been enough.

Except it would keep the option open.

Yuto would wait because they have waited for so long already. Ryosuke would always know at the back of his mind that if he ever stops, if he ever needs someone by his side, Yuto would be there to still love him.

And honestly? Ryosuke thought he didn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve that fallback.

Yuto doesn’t deserve to be treated like a consolation prize, either. He deserves better. He deserves someone who would choose him over everything.

Ryosuke doesn’t know how to explain any of that.

“I know,” he says instead. It’s not enough. It’s not even close to enough, but it’s all he’s got. “I just…”

He doesn’t know what else to say. He doesn’t know what he wants now that his feelings are in the open.

There’s no unknowing that. Yuto knows how deep Ryosuke’s feelings are. That amnesiac version of himself already laid himself bare. Ryosuke has no other choice but to be honest.

“It was a cleaner break,” Ryosuke explains. “If you thought I didn’t love you back, you would move on and nothing would have to change.”

“But I know now,” Yuto says.

“Yeah,” Ryosuke agrees with a sigh. “It was easier when you didn’t know.” Yuto was hurt and he was sad, but he would have gotten over it. They were civil enough. They could pretend like everything was fine.

“You love me.”

“Yeah.”

“But you don’t want to be with me. You don’t want us to… You’re too scared to do anything.” There’s anger in Yuto’s tone now that he understands what Ryosuke’s reasoning was. “You decided that I wasn’t worth it.”

 _No,_ Ryosuke thinks, _I decided I wasn’t worth it_.

There’s a truth to Yuto’s words, though. He decided for the two of them that they shouldn't risk their entire career, their friendship, and everything they've built for a love he wasn't sure about.

“I’m sorry,” Ryosuke says.

“Yeah,” Yuto says bitterly. “I’ve already heard that.”

He hangs up before Ryosuke can say anything else.

They’re both too professional to let it get in the way of their work. They can still smile at each other and touch each other in front of the camera. They can still joke with each other during shows. They can still perform alongside each other as always.

In the green room, they don’t talk. Everyone else gives them a wide berth, knowing that there was something wrong but unable to figure out exactly what happened.

It goes that way for an entire week.

In the end, Chinen barges into his apartment with the excuse that he needs all his DVDs back. While Ryosuke packs them into a paper bag, Chinen sits on the couch and watches him with hawk-like eyes. He looks around the apartment too, no doubt noticing clues that Ryosuke himself would not understand. Sometimes, it feels like Chinen knows him better than he knows himself.

“You know you’re my best friend, right?” Chinen asks seriously.

Ryosuke knows that, but it’s not something Chinen says out loud. He stops what he’s doing to turn towards him. He knows he should pay attention when Chinen speaks this way.

“But Yuto’s important to me, too,” Chinen says. “You’re both important to me.”

“I know.” He does. Chinen is suffering through this mess Ryosuke made. He feels guilty for that too.

“Then why are you insisting on keeping both of you miserable?” Chinen sounds _tired_. “You don’t have to be! You can be happy if you let yourself be.”

“It’s too much of a risk,” Ryosuke says. _Repeats_ , really. He’s been repeating it in his head like a mantra. Like the excuse it is. “I’ll always choose my career first. He doesn’t deserve that.”

“Would you?” Chinen challenges. It sounds leading, the way he does when he knows the answer and hopes Ryosuke would get it too.

“I would.” Ryosuke loves being on stage more than anything.

“Then why did you confess to Yuto? Why were you so sure you were in love with him?” Chinen stares him down with an intensity he reserves for the most important things. “In those days you didn’t remember anything, what did you search for the most?”

Ryosuke doesn’t answer because saying it out loud feels like too much.

He thinks about how getting those memories felt like reliving his past, how a vital part of him has always been looking towards Yuto’s direction, how his fondest memories are filled with Yuto’s smiles. He thinks about forgetting all his responsibilities and being stripped right down to his core but still having that desire to touch Yuto and be close to him.

He’s loved Yuto for so long and that love is branded to his very bones.

“We’ll be okay,” Chinen says. He sounds so sure about it. “You and Yuto and our whole group… We’ll be fine. You don’t have to be miserable to be successful, you know?”

“Will he forgive me?” Ryosuke asks because he’s a coward and the thought of a confrontation still scares him.

Chinen smiles. “He loves you,” he says. “What do you think?”

Yuto is shocked to see him when Ryosuke rings his doorbell that night. He freezes and does not move from the doorway, staring at Ryosuke’s face with furrowed eyebrows as if he doesn’t understand what is happening.

“Hey,” Ryosuke greets, awkward and unsure even now.

“Why are you here?” Yuto asks. He doesn’t move to open the door further.

“Chinen,” Ryosuke says.

It’s enough of an answer for Yuto to open the door and let him in. They both saw this coming. Awkwardness between them pops up every now and then but when it becomes too much, either Chinen or Yabu would be there to prod them towards the nearest room for a talk.

Ryosuke walks towards the couch and sits on his usual side. Yuto closes the door slowly and takes some time before following suit.

“Why did Chinen send you here?” Yuto asks, sitting on the bean bag as far away from Ryosuke as possible while still staying in the same living room. It hurts, but Ryosuke does not react. This is nothing compared to how cruel Ryosuke has been.

“He didn’t send me here,” Ryosuke says. “He just… he made me realize something and I needed to talk to you about it.”

Yuto raises an eyebrow and makes a gesture with his hand as if saying _well? Go on._

“I hurt you, and I’ll always be sorry about that.”

“We’ve been through this. I’ve heard this already.”

“I know, I know,” Ryosuke says, ignoring the coldness of Yuto’s tone. “That’s not why I’m here.”

“So why are you here?” Yuto sounds impatient now as if he is considering kicking Ryosuke out of his apartment after all.

“I want to tell you the truth. All of it. You deserve to know everything.”

“What, so you had more lies?” His voice would be chilling if Ryosuke didn’t hear the hesitation and vulnerability hiding behind it.

Ryosuke stands up and kneels in front of Yuto, close enough to touch but far enough that Yuto will not feel cornered. He doesn’t want to sit on the couch for this, wants to be able to look Yuto in the eyes at the same level. Kneeling feels right, anyhow. This feels like repentance.

“Being an idol is my dream,” Ryosuke says. “I want Hey! Say! JUMP to be famous worldwide. I want to be able to act in blockbuster movies. I want to have _everything_ I can possibly have in this business. I don’t want to stop, ever. This is where I’m supposed to be.”

“I know,” Yuto says, and his voice is softer now. Gentler, as if he knows Ryosuke is seconds away from falling apart. “I know that.”

“And when you told me you loved me, all I could think about was how risky it was. I thought about one of us being forced to stop. I can’t take that. I can’t… I don’t ever want to stop and I don’t want you to stop either. You’re supposed to be here, too.” _You’re beautiful and you’re great at acting and the world deserves to watch you flourish even more._

“I _know_ ,” Yuto repeats. “You don’t have to explain this again. I understand.”

“No, you don’t.” Ryosuke shakes his head. “It’s different for you and me.”

“How?”

Ryosuke sighs and looks down, unable to say this truth while looking at Yuto’s face. This is the moment where he opens his heart and reveals the secrets he’s been hiding for so long.

“I’ve loved you my entire life. I’m used to not doing anything about it. It’s just something I have to live with, this feeling.” He clenches his fists on his lap. “I thought about our careers first because that was something I’ve been working for, something fragile. I’ve been hiding what I feel for you for _so long_ that I never thought you’d ever love me back.”

“H-how long?” Yuto asks in a whisper.

Ryosuke looks up and smiles a little. Yuto’s expression is so open and raw that he has to look down again.

“When I was regaining my memories, I thought every moment I was with you felt important. I don’t really know anymore when it started.”

The silence that follows feels so loaded that Ryosuke has to consciously control his breathing. He knows this is too much. Yuto fell in love with him this year and confessed his feelings only a few months after. He doesn’t know how it feels to keep his love locked inside for more than half of his life. He doesn’t know how it feels to watch the one you love go through relationships and then have to sit with them after each breakup. He doesn’t know how it feels to be stripped of everything and still know deep in your bones how much you love someone.

Ryosuke hears rustling and when he looks up, he sees Yuto kneeling properly and inching closer. He looks like he doesn’t know what to do.

“Okay,” Yuto says, taking a deep breath and sitting up straighter. “I’m late. I can’t even begin to understand how hard it’s been for you. I’m—”

Ryosuke shakes his head quickly, eyes widening. “No! That’s not what I’m saying at all. It hasn’t been _hard_. It’s just what it is. You weren’t hurting me. _I_ loved _you_ and that was enough.”

Yuto grasps his arms, so close now that Ryosuke has to look up to see his face. They’re inches apart and the hope on Yuto’s face hits him harder than anything they’ve said. He doesn’t say anything but the mixture of pain and longing says everything.

It reminds Ryosuke of their conversation while he was still missing his memories. _My heart never forgot what it wants,_ he remembers saying, when everything was still as simple as it was when they were children and Ryosuke first understood how falling in love felt.

It still wants Yuto. Still yearns for the simplest touch.

Chinen’s “ _you don’t have to be miserable to be successful_ ” echoes in his mind.

He has loved Yuto for so long that he’s given up. He’s convinced himself to only focus on things he could achieve: on his career, and on the success of his group.

But that’s not really how he is. He’s a fighter. He will always work for what he wants, whatever it is. From the start, he has always been the type to toil through hardships as long as there is hope.

And right now, he finally gets the chance to work for this. For them.

"Please," Yuto whispers in the space between them. "Let me love you back."

Yamada lets himself believe.

He leans up, watches Yuto’s eyes widen, and places one fleeting kiss on Yuto’s lips.

Later—much, _much_ later—Yuto laces their hands together and drops a kiss on top of Ryosuke’s head. They’ve moved to the couch and are now comfortably leaning on each other, boneless and tired after the stress of the last week.

“You know,” Yuto says, nuzzling on his hair like a clingy puppy, “when I realized how in love I was with you, I couldn’t do anything but confess. It felt like I would go crazy if I didn’t.”

Ryosuke closes his eyes and comforts himself with the warmth surrounding him.

“You’ve had a headstart, but…” He can hear the grin in Yuto’s voice. There’s a giddy note to it that makes him want to smile as well. “I’m not going to lose. I’ll love you enough to catch up.”

“It’s not a competition,” he says with a huff of laughter.

“But if it was, you’re winning?” Yuto asks teasingly.

Ryosuke laughs, burying his face on Yuto’s shoulder. “Yeah, I’m definitely winning.”

(When he wakes up the next day, he sees Yuto sitting up at the other side of the bed, playing with his hand. Sunlight peeks from the slightly opened curtains. It takes him a moment to remember why he’s here, and when he does, he can’t help but smile up helplessly.

“Good morning,” Yuto says and kisses his palm.

Ryosuke grins back.

‘ _I’ll never forget this’,_ he thinks.)


End file.
